All the Dirt on Buying a Vacuum Cleaner

After looking over several ads we decided to head down to our local department store to buy a vacuum cleaner. I won't mention the name of the store (Sears and Roebuck)except to say that with today's economic downturn a more appropriate name might be Tears and NoBucks.

After arriving at the Vacuum cleaner/sewing machine?(a natural combination) section of the store we saw the exact model on display that had been featured in the ad. "The hon" called the saleslady over and said "we'll take one of these" and just then the saleslady turned to the wife and said "would you like me to show you how it works?" Before I could get the phrase "no thanks" out of my mouth my wife began what can best be described as an interrogation of the saleslady as to the relative merits of each of the approx. 21 different models on display. We had all 21 models demo'd for us and learned of the wonders of the computerized "automatic dirt sensor" that displays a red light if dirt is found and then changes from red to green when the dirt is gone .(please note that "the Hon" is certain this is a scam and that the red light is simply programmed to come on red whenever you turn on the vacuum and then via a space age technology known as a TIMER changes to green after about a minute.)

We also learned that the particular model we selected includes a rather ominous sounding "Crevice Tool" Not even sure I want to know what that is used for. So we looked at all 21 models and ended up buying the one we had originally went for.

As the lady was demonstrating the machines it became like one of those "who's on first "comedy routines:

Saleslady:"This vacuum sucks"

The Hon: "Oh, forget that one then"

Saleslady:"No, I mean this vacuum really sucks in a good way" and it went to on and on....

I've got Facebook Eyes!!!

I thought it was bad when we got our first big flat screen tv a few months back, but this is far worse. I've got facebook eyes.

I was warned that his could happen, but I signed up for a facebook account and soon enough it started. I found one old friend then another and then it started to really snowball. Suddenly I am spending hours online looking to reconnect. I find myself thinking about facebook when I am not online. It's kinda like going to that local tavern(in my case The Retreat) on the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving. All your old friends are there. Overall, I am glad to have been able to catch up with my friends that I have not heard from in a few years, now I would be happy to catch up on some sleep!

W.O.W. (anything I can do, she can do better)

You may remember my earlier post regarding the founding of my new nationwide organization for husbands, D.U.M.M.I.E.S. (The Disgruntled Union of Married Men in Every State).

In response to this "The Hon's" Wife has launched her own Worldwide organization for married women. The organization is known as W. O. W. (Wives Of the World)

As many of you know I often refer to my wife as my Chinese wife "Nat Now" or my Japanese wife "Yoko NoNo."

Here is the current worldwide executive council of W.O.W.

China-Nat Now

Japan-YokoNono

Spain-Maria de los Excuses

England-Duchess of not giving him muchess

Ireland-Meghan McNo

Scotland-Fiona Fitznever

Italy-Ida Rathanotta

Germany-Freida Farfromsmoochen

Russia-Ivana Gotosleepinstad

Poland-Vanda Beleftaloneski

Korea-Soon-mi SayNo

Netherlands-Beatrijsse Van NoMattress

Saving the World One Snore at a time

I was surfing the web the other day and came across this mini wind power kit at www.greenandgreener.com . My next project will be an attempt to use and or modify this kit for use in our bedroom. I have spent many sleepless nights staring at the ceiling while my sweet little princess does her best imitation of the sound of a jet taking off. (Imagine trying to sleep to the pulsing beat of several chainsaws!) If I were to develop a system of pulleys and cables to be able to suspend this wind power kit from the ceiling and over the front of my wife's mouth I am sure I could harness enough energy to power a small town or at least enough to power her hair dryer!

D.U.M.M.I.E.S.

I would like to offer an invitation to all husbands to join my new nationwide organization: D.U.M.M.I.E.S.which stands for the Disgruntled Union of Married Men In Every State.

In order to be considered a dummy by your wife you must agree to and abide by the following rules of marriage:

1-Your wife will govern your behavior using a series of "rules" of the marital relationship

2-These "rules" may be changed by the wife nearly constantly and without prior notice to you.

3-None of these "rules" actually apply to the wife; they only apply to the dummy, er, I mean husband.

Failure to follow the "rules" will result in disciplinary action which may include, but is certainly not limited to any of the following: stern lectures, silent treatment, withholding of marital "whoopee" time, loud verbal admonishment in a public place, or any other action deemed necessary to bring the dummy, er, I mean husband in line.

Sometimes I Just Think Too Much

Today, as I often do I was daydreaming at work about how to get rich and have the life I have always wanted. Inspired by those ROOMBA brand automatic vacuum cleaners I began to wonder if I could develop something using the same principles to automatically clean my teeth and freshen my breath .(I guess the chicken enchilada smell on my breath was getting to me)

Surely with the use of today's newest NANOTECHNOLOGY I could develop something that would use tiny little motors and little brushes on my teeth. Then I began to think if I developed it out of something edible and then manufacture it in enough quantity to drive the price down to where the item would be seen as disposable all you would have to do is pop it in your mouth after a meal and then swallow it when it finished cleaning your teeth. Just then I picked up my apple took a bite and realized someone has beat me to it already. The humble apple; natures toothbrush!

What's a Flannelpina?

Like most of my contemporaries in college during the early to mid-1990s I was a fan of grunge music. I still am. I wore a lot of flannel as that was the style of the grunge crowd. When my wife and I were dating I asked what kind of music she liked best, expecting to hear dance, house, techno, or some other type of pop music. As if by destiny I can still recall her reply to my IM query. She typed Grunge and I knew right then and there we were meant to be. I mean how lucky am I to have this beautiful Filipina in my life who loves the same music I do. Filipina +Grunge = Flannelpina

On the importance of "proper" English in relationships

We all bring issues from our old relationships to our new relationship.

My wife is a very intelligent lady. Multiple Degrees, impressive alphabet soup job title, and extremely well spoken. Being from Canada, she even speaks the "real" English. She is a master of the spoken word, that is until she gets angry.

This rarely happens; except for on odd or even days of the month or on any day of the week that ends in a letter y.

One day while we were having a rerun of one of our most popular discussions(argument) , she went from proper English to pissed off English mixed with snippets of Tagalog(the most common Filipino language) to silence. After a few minutes of this she proclaimed to me: " I don't know why you want to be with me I have too many suitcases!" Without missing a beat I said "actually sweetheart the expression is I have too much baggage"

Yeah He Finally Did it!

Welcome Friends and Family,

After several years of prodding I have decided to go ahead and start my blog.

A special welcome to all of my wife's family up north in the GTA.

Most people immediately think Canada=Cold.

For me Canada has become a "warm" place, full of a new caring family and great friends for me and my son.

For those of you that may be visiting my blog and are not family, or not (yet) a friend I will attempt to briefly catch you up to speed.

The story goes like this:

Man splits up with wife 1.0. Man and Son move out.

Man and Son lead a lonely batchelor's life for a couple of years.

Internet invented!

Man realizes that there is not one single solitary soul interested in dating him in his small country the USA pop. approx. 303,824,646 !

Man harnesses power of internet dating site and while actually searching to meet someone from as far as away as Canandaigua N.Y. (about 40 minutes away); mistakenly types in Canada which is about 40 "metric minutes" or 4 and a half hours away.

It is love at first sight as man falls in love with pic on wife's profile.

Man finds out much later the pic was actually wife's younger cousin, but decides not to hold it against her.

approx. two months of phone calls, emails and IM's lay the foundation of this new relationship.

Man decides to make journey up north to physically meet wife 2.0.

Man disappointed to find out that Hertz no longer rents teams of sled dogs for the journey and instead decides to make journey in his trusty Hyundai.

1st date Dinner and Mamma Mia! in downtown Toronto.

Long distance dating and weekend rendevous for the next year and a half.

Wife 2.0 introduces man to her lovely daughters and extended family.

Obligatory Disney trip with kids solidifies bonding process between both sets of kids.

Man attends family lunch at Chinese Buffet and asks Wife 2.0's father for her hand in marriage.

Wife 2.0's father quickly and wholeheartedly agrees so as not to lose his place in waiting line for buffet.

Man "surprises" Wife 2.0 with the exact engagement ring she has emailed to him with a pic and link to the online jeweler of her choice.

Man scores major family points by popping the question using a series of random quotations about love gleaned from the mini hallmark card display at the Nicholby's rest stop on the 401 West.

Oldest step-daughter responds with the traditonal Filipino expression:NOOOOOOOOOOOO and swan dives on to the couch next to her Mom in tears.

Man reassured that this is actually the Filipino way of expressing Joy over what has transpired.

Older step-daughter and Man eventually come to understanding and agree to let this outburst be forgotten.

Wife 2.0 offered job in states.

Wife 2.0 moves to Syracuse, expecting daughters to follow at end of school year.

Man and Wife 2.0 married, officially becoming the NAFTA Brady Bunch.

Man, Wife, Son live together in Liverpool, still anxiously awaiting the reunification of Wife 2.0 and daughters.